those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
