think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
