youre lurking in front of me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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