My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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