good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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