I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
