Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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