just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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