The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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