I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
