Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize