I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
