Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
tell me about the fingering
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