I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
