Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
