I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hell yes lets make some ravioli
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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