I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
