Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
