I just threw up on my dentist
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You're like the curious george of whores
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
