the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk is not a location!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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