Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
