I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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