there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
