she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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