so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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