I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
