We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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