im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
