I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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