I think my fart just growled at me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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