Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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