Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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