i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
