I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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