Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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