On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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