i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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