The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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