1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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