Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
