Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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