The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
