There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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