So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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