did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
