i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
