So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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