We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
