I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My dick has a subreddit
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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