I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
