I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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