i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
