Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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