I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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