three words: i give head
three words: not that well
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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