Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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